Dim“>
How strange was that?
It had started when I resumed my sleep around 2 in the AM. I’ve snuggled in the warm sheets, closed my eyes, and that was that. I always sleep on my left, pointing at my window, so…
After all the mixture of good and bad I’ve experienced or witnessed this month, my brain decided to play a strange, yet silly movie.
The first part didn’t win the “Silly Awards”, though. It felt so real. Ever got squashed? I’ll assume that the shadowy figure had managed to pull me in a bearhug, or bear all its weight on me. This scene refused changes (sometimes we control our nocturnal adventures), so…
Wiggle my toes.
The same scenario had repeated itself twice. This time, it tried to divest my night clothes. So I’ve had enough. Before it could get any further, I wiggled my toes again…
And the heating system at home switched the fan on. I guess it’s safe to say that it saved my life, ’cause when I closed my eyes, I can see people, places and things (including houses pictured above). Finally!
Unfortunately, I don’t remember everything about this brighter, down-to-earth vibe, except some of its broken details (sorry attempt at present tense ahead):
1) My siblings and I were hanging out at the hotel for an event, when a crazy dude pops out of nowhere and interferes with the prizes that the event planners set up. People took him down on the spot; police and security intervene. Suddenly, my big bro insists we’re leaving when an Uber driver comes along and hands us his keys.
2) I find myself in a place – unsure of its location – where the musical voices of Buju Banton and Garnett Silk were heard. In a random neighbourhood, there’s a block party. It’s safe to assume that one of Buju’s tunes, “Til’ I’m Laid To Rest”, plays an hour before sunset. People were getting ready to leave and put their hands together for clean-up efforts. Night and day came in a flash, and then…
3) I’m at home with my family. Dad came over with a few men and women. They sat at a table to discuss Jamaican culture and the changes that are necessary to get the island back on its feet again. I watched and listened, but my curiosity piqued. There’s something different about this house.
4) I peep the bathrooms, hallway, living room, and what I think is one of the bedrooms. Everything in the main and upper levels were shining bright. Then, on my way downstairs, there’s a lady with a broken glass bottle. She aims the object at a short girl – just a few steps ahead of me. I didn’t get to see the basement, even though my siblings went down to play video games or watch TV. I should follow them prior to this… this mad woman and the short girl. Well, she throws the glass and it misses her target. The mad woman pulls her hair in frustration and vanishes in smoke.
5) As soon as the short girl turns around, she pulls off the mask. I almost thought she’s Caucasian, but instead, she’s the younger version of me. Barettes in her hair, braided ends, a warm smile on her seven-year-old face…
*Sorry attempt at Present tense over…*
How easy it is to lose bright lights and watch them go dim? I don’t know how many times I’ve fallen off-course with relationships and other factors in general (won’t name them), and I can’t recall how I’ve acted in the dreams. The only people who responded to me were the Uber driver, a random dude at the block party, my big brother and, sometime in Scene 3.5, my parents made mention of me at the kitchen table.
What struck me most was that little girl.
When I was seven, she had high hopes.
When I was seven, she had big dreams.
When I was seven, life was Topsy turvy and many things made no sense. It’s no coincidence that today is Anti-Bullying Day, and many schools will wear pink shirts. What pink shirts do I have?
Anyways, the second hardest part of my childhood was dealing with bullies. I think that’s a small part of what the crazy lady represented. Many will say that I survived, or I’m a tough cookie, or I wasn’t weak… but I think we fail to realize just how much impact bullies do have.
Consider today’s age of social media. Our younger generations must put up with more than, “give me your lunch money,” wedgies, gossip, rejection and getting a beating after school. Now that social media is around, it’s made matters worse because the threats, lies, and ghosting never ends.
Another thing I’ve noticed: the younger me just stood there, ready to take a hit from that broken glass bottle. I don’t know if it’s what religion taught (turn the other cheek), or the time I didn’t know that it’s okay to defend oneself physically (when duty calls in the wake of danger), yet she patiently stood. Anticipated injury. Silent.
Now, there’s something she did that I still do as a grown-up. Depending on the overall atmosphere of where I am, the aura that I sense with whom I’m with, I might – or I might not – wear a mask. Simply put, when I feel safe around people, I’m free to be me (and, the best version of me possible). Flip the script and the mask will be worn, as a means of self-protection. I’ve also developed a habit of dissociation (living outside of my body), so that I can easily separate myself from the pain.
I don’t want to wear those masks anymore; that’s why I chose to surround myself with driven, drama free individuals.
The last meaning to that last scene in particular: God’s power. Not one shard of glass hit the little girl – little me – who wore that mask. God’s command removed the crazy lady afterwards, because she couldn’t win… He has the final say, and He will defeat our enemies. Even when we’re not faithful at times, when we’ve come short, or when we don’t love Him back, God never stops extending His protection and provision. Period. Little me’s ability to smile after the fact (upon seeing present-day me at the top of the staircase) represents hope and joy, despite the violent storms that come. Children are naturally hopeful in all things.
Regardless of your beliefs and views, you’re the apple of His eye. His creation; His child.
So keep the hope alive. Don’t let no one steal your joy.
There’s no need for Dim Lights. Keep going. God’s got you.
Diamonds Are Forever 